I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.