The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Wait a second…
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.