I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
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[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.