Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what