My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
You Might Also Like
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.