Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“TGIM!” – My liver
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”