bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow