So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
*3.5 thank you very much.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics