[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
You Might Also Like
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
this is 10/10 content no notes
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes