Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.