I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.