I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.