Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
How Can Birds Be R
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”