@internetluke: [i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
@internetluke: [snapchat HQ]
Boss: anybody got anything good?
Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?
@internetluke: [Jaden Smith at aquarium]
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
How Can Birds Be R
@internetluke: [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don't die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
@internetluke: [friend consoling me through bad break up]
"You need to eat, Luke. You can't just sit there"
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
@internetluke: [finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
@internetluke: [Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
@internetluke: [last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
@internetluke: Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*