Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.