Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
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Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night