“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk