@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

@iscoff

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@iscoff

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@iscoff

“Did you hire a wedding photographer?”

Sure did!

*a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*

@iscoff

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations