Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…