Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
This week’s mood.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta