Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.