My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
it be like that
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Any refunds available?…
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.