I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
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“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
How is it still this week?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started