Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]