[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.