Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Sending in my taxes
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down