Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
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Siri, fight Alexa.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
bears
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.