Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
You Might Also Like
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”