“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit