Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
brian had himself a morning…
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
no such thing as a dumb question
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.