Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.