Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
absolutely not
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
same bro
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.