Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.
Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
9 y/o daughter: dad, what’s your favourite healthy food?
Me: fruits. Your’s?
9: like Reese’s peanut butter eggs
*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.