Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I would like even faster food.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!