All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead