IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
🍛
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do