Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
2023 was just a warmup
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget