(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
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what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
🍞🦆
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone