“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
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[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Who did it better?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I missed you with all my darts
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
🙂🙃🥹
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?