Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
You Might Also Like
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣