Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Encore…
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse