@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@iwearaonesie

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

@iwearaonesie

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

@iwearaonesie

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there