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Page of iwearaonesie's best tweets

@iwearaonesie : wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

@iwearaonesie: son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@iwearaonesie: wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

@iwearaonesie: [during sex]
wife: This doesn’t mean that I like you

@iwearaonesie: wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

@iwearaonesie: 90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@iwearaonesie: toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@iwearaonesie: *pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*