wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife *lets her in*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there