“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep