How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock