Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
You Might Also Like
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: