“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?