Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry