me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep