My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.