My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.