*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Try and stop me.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Netflix: We have Less
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.